This Body


So it’s 2 a.m. and a friend tells me how bad a day it’s been
00:07
and their desire to stop eating.
00:10
I don’t tell them I haven’t had a real meal in…
00:13
two days.
00:15
After an uncomfortable silence, they turn to me and say,
00:18
“I knew I could talk to you about this
00:21
because you’re the only one of our friends who understands.”
00:25
When she says this, I can’t keep from hearing, “I’m talking to you
00:30
about this because all of our friends are size 4, and you’re four sizes bigger
00:33
than I am, so there’s no way you’re comfortable in your body either.”
00:37
No, this body is not comfortable,
00:40
has never been “comfortable.”
00:43
This body wears jeans that say “love yourself” in the slogan.
00:46
This body hates being told to love itself.
00:49
This body doesn’t know how to love itself.
00:52
This body– because nobody else wants to love it.
00:54
This body, it’s too big.
00:57
Oftentimes, it starts wanting to disappear,
01:00
never wanting to eat again.
01:01
It feels as though it’s always the topic of conversation when it enters a room.
01:05
This body doesn’t get how she can be sick.
01:08
It’s self-hatred for understanding.
01:10
How my self-destructive habits are somehow validation of her.
01:14
Oh, this body has scars from every time you tried to cut calories,
01:19
[inaudible] out of our diet wasn’t enough.
01:21
This body will never be enough.
01:23
This body feels like a trap.
01:26
This body hates its relationship with gravity.
01:29
Someone once told this body it had its own gravitational pull.
01:34
This body never wears swimsuits without shorts,
01:37
avoids mirrors in dressing rooms at all costs.
01:40
This body wants to be covered in art, at least then, it’ll be pretty.
01:45
This body has never felt pretty.
01:50
This body feels like people meet it before meeting me.
01:54
If you want to comprehend this body,
01:58
you must understand that it is uncomfortable,
02:03
but despite that, this body is a home.
02:06
It carries the heartbeat keeping me alive,
02:08
keeps me breathing even when I don’t want to be.
02:12
This body says, “Fuck your beauty standards.”
02:16
This body has more fight left than the wars I’ve raged against it.
02:20
And this body will not give in!
02:25
(cheers and applause)

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