I’ve been writing about it for years and I’m starting to believe it’s not definable. It is formless. There are no hard lines. My views and perspectives and definitions are always changing. I can’t grab it and put it into a frame.
So many various factors contribute to who we love and how we love. So much of that is tied to our story, where we’re at in our lives, and what’s important to us today, which may be very different (and should be) from what was important to us yesterday.
But I do believe love is a daily choice and once we decide to love, the intensity and colors of that love changes as if it lives inside a kaleidoscope — that spins as we continue to love. It becomes this thing, that grows outside of self and becomes greater than its parts.
Love comes in waves. Washes over us. Dissipates like clouds. Hits us like lightning. Showers us. Flows through us like wind.
Love is not a constant.
It becomes like weather.
And that’s what makes love so beautiful. Yet, so difficult. It’s formless and always changing. Sometimes, unpredictable. Once we decide to share our heart with someone, love grows and becomes its own living breathing thing. Separate from us. Assuming it’s healthy love. If it isn’t, it never becomes greater than its parts. It stays inside, trapped and limited. And the colors stay primary and still. Unhealthy love is love in a box. But it takes time for love to grow and mature and become greater than the individuals. Years. Many many years.
So in the meantime, how do you know? How do you know if love is love while you’re building?
I’ve learned that love comes in moments.
That moment when she’s chopping carrots and you catch her eye and slight smile and the world grows silent. And there’s a knowing.
That moment when he whispers something into your ear that you didn’t quite hear but you feel his breath and it feels like your favorite blanket.
That moment when you watch her sleeping and she is precious. Like a porcelain vase.
That moment when your eyes meet his without warning, and lock. And in that moment both people are completely naked. Trusting.
That moment after a fight when you come back to each other, feeling safe that you can have fights.
That moment when you realize you crave the smell of him.
That moment when you see her laughing hysterically like no one’s watching and you want the best for this person.
That moment when you realize he put you first and didn’t make it about him.
That moment after you orgasm and want to be nowhere else.
That moment when you see him playing with a child. And he forgets he’s the adult.
That moment she chooses to support you even though she doesn’t agree with your decisions.
That moment he kisses you somewhere you don’t like to be kissed and you realize you liked it.
That moment you wake up to the feeling of her sleeping face buried in the back of your neck. And you like it there.
That moment he didn’t try to fix it but just decided to hold you.
That moment when you see her on a swing and wish you knew her when she was younger.
That moment when you both look at each other, knowing how much shit you guys have gone through, the jealousy, the control, the distance, the drift, the hell and back, the couples counseling, the change, the growth, the rebirth, and still, together, deciding to love each other.
This is how we know love is still looming, catching those moments that remind us we’re on the right track. Not every day. But there, scattered and buried like sparkling like gems on the side of a giant mountain.
And we have to find them by being open and maybe letting some shit go. By forgiving. By looking inward instead of over the fence, and working on our own triggers that give us blinders. Because these moments are gems, breadcrumbs that tell us we are on the right path as we continue to climb upward.
I wrote about moments because they are underestimated. We love fast and don’t see them. We are always looking at the future and miss them. And when we miss them, we can make decisions we may regret. So know that love is NOT a constant state of knowing and there will never be any guarantees. Love is a continual process of discovery and unfolding. And through these moments, you will know that it’s there.
As long as these moments keep coming.
Unpredicted and naturally.
We can’t force them.
We can only create space for them to happen.
And if they stop, either you have stopped.
or he/she has stopped.
And the love that was growing is no longer growing.
It is now inside a bottle.
And that is no longer love.
That is probably fear.
This post was originally published here and is republished with permission from the author.
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