I had sworn never to do this, never ever to let him know that I still had feelings for him. I thought it would make me feel like I let myself down and showed my vulnerability to someone who’d broken my heart.
We were together for four years.
This had been my longest relationship and somewhat my only true one. I knew in my heart I had met my soul mate. The one I was to wave the storms of life with. We were going to have 5 kids together, a big family, I’d always wanted that. Sometimes I felt like he was me, like he spoke through him and I through him. The kind of connection we had transcended everything I had ever felt before.
I always knew no matter what we were going to choose each other.
Clearly, I was wrong but I believed this to my core. We had had our share of struggles but I always knew we were going to be there for each other. I was shocked and hurt to later learn he had had other girlfriends when we were still dating. However, the one thing that broke me the most was when he said he’d only been trying with me, like he’d not been fully in, like I was an experiment before the main thing.
I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock when we broke up. Granted he’d been cold and distant for a while but I thought it would pass and we’d go back to being good. He’d told me a lot of times that he loved me, that he was truly committed to me but I should have trusted myself when I felt in my heart he wasn’t with me anymore.
In all my adult life, I have never cried like I did that day. I was sick, dizzy and my head was throbbing. I didn’t think I was ever going to be okay, it felt like I had gotten bruised all over my body and there was no way I could get relief. I would wake up some days and feel like I was not in my body, I was lost within myself. Confusion and depressing thoughts ran through my mind. I was hurting and had not accepted that fact fully.
I left myself behind.
Trying to get back to normal after the break up made me realize that I’d stopped following my dreams, growing myself and doing things that made me happy. I had put all my needs behind and I think this is the greatest lesson that I’ve learnt, learning to choose myself first.
I still cry.
Tears of pity were part of my daily routine and I thought I would never reach the point where I would be ready to entertain the thought of dating again. Thinking about the two of us usually made me cry, you’d think the breakup was still fresh. Slowly, I started thinking less and less of him every day and of myself more and more but still he was present in my life.
I don’t know exactly what pushed me to do it but, two days ago I sent him a text.
“ I miss you and I still think about you at times. I wish all the best for you. I love you”
I just wanted to let him know and in some way admit it to myself too. Honestly, I didn’t expect to feel as I did. It was as if this big load was off me, off my mind, off my body. I felt light, like I’d done away with something that wasn’t good for me. It was a good, calming and peaceful feeling. I guess it was the final goodbye I needed because now I can picture myself with someone else. I can entertain the thought of being in love with another man without my ex being at the back of my mind.
Maybe the truth really did set me free.
So, hit me up, I’m now ready to be found!
Previously published on Medium.com.
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