Chances are, you have no idea what attachment style you are. Very few people even know what it means. Your attachment style was developed when you were a baby. If your parent or caregiver was there for you when you needed them in the first few years of your life, you probably have a healthy and secure attachment style. Those who were neglected or abused as a baby tend to have one of the unhealthy attachment styles, which can create a toxic relationship no matter how hard you try or how much you love them.
Insecure Attachment Equals Unhealthy Relationships
There are three unhealthy types of attachment styles, which include anxious-preoccupied attachment, avoidant-dismissive attachment, and disorganized attachment. An insecure attachment can be any of these three, and they are all bad for relationships. The anxious type is a clingy and needy lover who literally wants to be with you all the time. They will go so far as to ignore work or other important activities just to be with you. In fact, these types are the ones who will get jealous and angry when you won’t take off work to be with them. It may be cute for a minute when you first get together that they want to be near you 24/7, but after a while, it will start to get old and things will progressively get worse. You will likely be accused of cheating for no reason, get phone calls at work, and may even feel like you are being stalked at times. This is not a good relationship.
Avoiding and Ignoring
Another type of insecure attachment is the avoidant-dismissive type who seems so attentive at first but then becomes aloof and even uncaring. The person who seemed like they wanted to be with you forever may suddenly become unreachable. They may ignore you, avoid you, and may even be mean to you to get you to leave them alone. These types are uncomfortable talking about your relationship or feelings and may even go out of their way to stay away from you in public situations. This is why we should never date those we work with. This person may seem like they like you but just does not want to be close anymore or they may claim they need time apart or alone. Eventually, you will realize that you are chasing them, and hopefully, you will see that this is an unhealthy relationship.
The disorganized attachment style is the most dangerous and toxic, mainly because these individuals were likely abused as a child and tend to repeat the pattern with others. However, this is also one of the most treatable. This person is likely a hot and cold type of person sometimes showing extreme loving tendencies and abusive tendencies as well. They are more likely to be verbally or physically abusive to others and have a difficult time getting along with anyone. You may notice that they do not get along with their family. That is a red flag to look out for. Also, if the person is frequently arguing with others in general, that is another red flag. But these individuals are not bad people, they are typically suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, and can be easily treated by a counselor or therapist.
Cut and Run
Is it love or lust? First of all, if you are new to the relationship, you may be better off just cutting your losses and moving on. Of course, you probably care about them, so go ahead and suggest that they get some help and then move on. It is not your job to fix them, and you may end up getting hurt in the end. However, if you have been in this relationship for a while and want to try and make things work, there are relationship counselors who can help you. No matter which type of attachment style your partner has, it can be treated as long as they want to be helped.
Maybe It Is You
But what if it is you who has an insecure attachment? Are you the one who is clingy and jealous all the time? Or maybe you do not like to get too close to anyone and end up sabotaging your own relationships when they seem to get too comfortable. You could be the one with a disorganized attachment style who is suffering from PTSD and needs therapy. If it is you, it is vital that you get the counseling you need, or your relationships are not going to work no matter who you try to be with. If you seem to have trouble having a successful relationship with anyone but have no idea why you may have an unhealthy attachment style and not even know it. Talk to a counselor and see what is going on. It may just be that you need some relationship advice. You do not have to set an appointment or even leave your home to talk to a counselor. Regain.us has online counselors who are able to help you 24/7 so give it a try.
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