Can a 20 Year Age Difference Be a Problem?

Question: Can a 20 year age difference be a problem when starting a relationship?

Answer: Yes and no. I think we’ve seen a few celebrity relationships that really work with that huge difference – Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins who were 30 years apart, were together for 23 years.

I have friends with a 17 year difference and they’ve been together for 15 years and have two beautiful children and are going strong.

Some people are mature for their age and some people are very young at heart. And this can be an older woman or an older man. I’ve remember a guest on who dated men 20 to 25 years younger than her and it worked very well for both parties for 5 to 10 years.

Clearly, a relationship won’t work for long if the younger person is looking to the older to save them or be the daddy or mommy they never had. Eventually, those wounds will come up and if the couple can’t work through them, the relationship will blow up. If the couple is mature and ready to heal, then I think the wound could deepen their connection.

Another thing to think about is who you will be not just in 10 years but 20 or 30 years. One partner will be significantly older and potentially unable to participate in activities which could make the couple drift apart.

Honest direct communication about every potential issue would be a healthy place to start. Having a coach like me or a therapist do some sessions with the couple to make sure there aren’t any old wounds creating a false attraction would also be a healthy choice.

Additionally, society is going to sling judgments at you left right and center, so a coach like me or a therapist would support you in navigating people’s responses so as not to take it personally. You wouldn’t want to eventually blame each other for other peoples opinions or simply not be able to handle the pressure and run.

No matter the situation, when people see that their judgments against you can’t get to you, they may escalate for a short period of time, but eventually they give up and go elsewhere. Or you’re simply so good at not reacting that it doesn’t matter what they do or do not do. They just become a yapping dog that you can ignore.

Bottom line is that love is love. And if this is true love, and both people are honest and open and clear and direct, this might be a very beautiful sacred contract to savor.

Connect with me for a strategy session if the issue is still really bothering you, so I can facilitate the clearing away of any limiting thoughts, feelings, emotions, or memories that are in the way of you making a clear loving choice for the both of you.

Great love,


This post was previously published on and is republished here with permission from the author.

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