Three weeks ago I received an email from you with a single word — “why?”.
We have not spoken in nearly two years and yet this is how you reemerge from the darkness.
The last time we spoke you told me you wanted to kill yourself and left me there, yet you come to me to answer this.
Why did I leave that time and not all the others before? Why was that time the time I gained the courage to walk away?
Why do I consider our past abusive and toxic? Why did I seek support to recover from you?
Why did I fall out of love with you? Why did I move on? Why am I in a new relationship?
You can answer every single one of these questions by looking in the mirror. You do not need me to answer a single why for you.
You lived the same relationship I did. It was just as hard for you as it was for me.
You know how awful we were together, how sick we were, how we made each other worse instead of better — every damn time. You know we couldn’t do what we did, for twelve young years of our lives, forever.
I am not saying it was all you or it was all bad, but it was a lot of you and it was a lot of bad. There were good times in those years, but I no longer let those fleeting moments outweigh all of the bullshit.
We spent too many nights fighting. We talked too much of suicide and self-harm. We had too many mean and cruel words to say to each other. Too many tears. Too much stalking. Too much abuse.
Too much mistrust, anger, and pain.
Despite all that you wreaked, I still hope so much for you.
I hope you wake up daily and drink really good coffee and eat really good food. I hope you have things in your life that fulfill you and that you are grateful for. I hope you have sought support and treatment for those demons you battle in your head. I hope you are surrounding yourself with people who love you and who you love. I hope you are reading really good books and nerd-ing out on all the topics that deeply interest you. I hope you are financially stable and finding abundance in your life. I hope you are spending all your free time in nature and outside. I hope you have peace in your heart and feel free.
And more than anything else, I hope you are happy and healthy.
I will always wish this all for you.
The Woman Who No Longer Can — or Will — Answer Your “Why?”
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